Let’s face it, in today’s world if you want to go ANYWHERE you start by collecting all of your earthly belongings. You shove them into your “not even acceptable as an airplane carry-on” sized purse, then UNPACK all of those belongings on the kitchen counter to find your keys that were wedged so far down in the tiniest corner nook you wonder if there is a tiny troll living in there who purposely takes your keys after you have deposited them and hides them from you for their own sick pleasure, repack, and hop in your tiny death trap on wheels we call “a car.” I refer to it as a death trap because of the impending doom that awaits you, out there, on the road…
See, driving should be easy. Mind you, there are days where inclement weather can make even the best driver repeat prayers to God above just to get them to their destination safely. This article is not about that. THIS article is a PSA to all of the absolutely HORRIBLE, inconsiderate, distracted, terrible, soul sucking drivers that we ALL encounter on a daily basis. If you encounter similar things, I applaud you for not giving into your deep burning urge for vigilante road justice. If you are guilty of these offenses, I recommend you take that little card with the mug shot picture and your contact information on it and cut it into teeny tiny pieces, light those pieces on fire, toast a marshmallow with that fire, make a s’more and get a life long bus pass.
Here are just a FEW things that I would like to remind you all of. I say remind because in order for you to have gotten your license in the first place, you at one time HAD TO KNOW all of these things, but somehow they slipped your mind. Here is your courtesy refresher course on what NOT to do while driving.
Annoying Driver Offense #1 The Pull-out and Slow Down
There you are, driving at your own leisure, down the road, la-di-da, and you see a car waiting in a driveway to pull out onto the road you are currently occupying. You think to yourself, as they are inching ever so close, “they are NOT going to pull out right now and cut me off” but then, for whatever reason, they DO IT! They squeal their tires like they are trying out for NASCAR and make a sharp right 15 feet in front of you. You of course have now just slammed on your breaks, peed a little, and given yourself whiplash in order to avoid completely creaming them. (Which they would have absolutely deserved) but they probably don’t have insurance and who wants to deal with an accident. To add insult to injury, they are now apparently done trying out for NASCAR and have slowed to a glacial pace at least 10 miles under the speed limit and will not waiver. People, DON’T DO THAT! If you are pulling onto a street you must yield to other drivers until you have ample time and space to make your move. If you have troubles properly gauging the distance of cars on the road, don’t be a “shoot the gap” kind of person, be a “wait it out until there are no cars coming” kind of person, the world will be a much safer and pee pants free place.
Annoying Driver Offense #2 The Four Way Non-Stopper
You make your way up the road to a busy four way stop. Everybody is taking their turn, stopping and going and waiving on others. Grateful drivers waiving back, people are smiling, the sun is shining. There is a sense of community, of love. A well orchestrated highly coordinated effort to get people through the intersection as efficiently as possible. And then it’s YOUR turn. You stop of course, and allow the 2 cars that have arrived before you to go about their business. When it’s your chance to go, BAM out of nowhere the idiot that arrived far later than you flies through the intersection like they own it. I mean personally own it, as if the intersection was named for them and rules don’t apply. This angers you so! So much so, that you consider changing course and following said driver to a point where you can ask them exactly what they were thinking when they decided to abruptly ruin the symbiotic and harmonious system that was that four way stop. For this person I must remind you how a 4-way stop works. You first need to approach and STOP. This is very important because so often people think just slowing down is equivalent to a full on stop. It is not. On your way to a full stop, note the people at opposing stop signs. If they were there first, they get to proceed first. No exceptions. If you approach at the EXACT same time as someone else, the person on the right has the right of way, or you are welcome to a friendly exchange of courteous hand signals and gestures. Only after the “go ahead” wave are you allowed to proceed. I have spoken.
Annoying Driver Offense #3 The Merge
I am going to break this into a 2-parter. There is a highway merge and a “construction, lane closed ahead” merge. We will start with the latter. You are about to embark on a highway merge. You are on the on-ramp and picking up speed. You are confident and full of zest for life. You hear your engine purr as it switches into 3rd or 4th gear. You are ready to roll. Then all of a sudden, when you are about to make you move, there is a car in the FAR right lane going excruciatingly slow and is not allowing you to properly become part of the highway crowd. You slam on your breaks because the merge lane is officially about to end and you are at a speed that if you happened to be in a Delorean, would send you back to 1955. This is both infuriating and dangerous. To the driver in the far right lane… GET. OVER. There is no one in the middle lane. It is your job as a conscious being, to notice when people will be getting onto the highway and you need to get over so they can merge safely.
Onto the “lane closed” merge. This is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves and I experienced this JUST 2 days ago while driving back from a weekend in Wisconsin. The nice people of the construction world put up signs FAR in advance to let all drivers know that in some short distance ahead, the right or left lane will be closed for some important reason. At which point your two lanes must become 1. MOST people efficiently find the open lane and wait in line politely to get through and continue on their life’s journey, wherever it may be taking them. Than you have the others. The “others” Fly past you faster than the speed of sound in the soon to be closed lane, and then expect to slyly “slide” on in in front of a row of cars that have been doing their part and waiting their turn like a respectable human being. To the driver of the car that bypasses the line, you sir, are and asshole. When I see this, I instantly try to use ESP to contact all drivers ahead to form a telepathic bond and NOT let them in. Forcing them to sit there, sucking, for everyone to see. There is always a saint in the crowd who for some reason feels bad for the impatient tool bag. (I have NO idea why). But they get in, and you spend the rest of your journey trying to catch up to them and shake your fist rapidly while shouting obscenities. To the opportunistic, advantage taking mergers.. I speak for ALL people when I say, I hope you NEVER get let into the lane and run out of gas waiting…
Annoying Driver Offense #4 The Texting Driver
You know them. They lurk in broad daylight. They are the person who is at a perfect lingering stop at a green light. They are the person who can’t seem to commit to any particular lane. They are the person who blows through every stop sign. They are the person going 22 and 1/2 miles per hour in a 45 mph zone. They are the WORST driving offender. The person, who if this was in the days of the early American frontier, would be punished by being tarred and feathered. This person makes my blood boil. They think they are so savvy! A multitasking aficionado. I have news for you my electronically motivated friend. There is a VERY small percentage of people, and I mean SMALL percentage, that can efficiently multitask. The rest of us that are trying are failing. On multiple levels. I site a study done by the University of Utah. http://unews.utah.edu/news_releases/frequent-mulitaskers-are-bad-at-it/ Please read it if you think you are the Leo DiCaprio of multitasking and it will quickly make you aware that you are in fact, at best, the Tara Reid of multitasking. Chances are, you are already a poor driver as you have terrible judgement and Darwin’s Theory of Evolution hasn’t made its’ rounds in this lifetime yet. Put down the damned phone! You are making so many people’s lives a living hell with your “LOLs” and your “SMHs”. The world will be better for it, people will feel safe on the roads again. Save the texting for a time and place when you are not operating a 3,221 pound metal machine.
But I digress… There are many MANY more driving offenses that should be covered, but I fear your attention span is about to lapse. I hope I have motivated you to be aware of your shitty driving habits. They are noticed! If you are a well behaved law-abiding driver I hope you found this inspirational and motivating. You are not alone. We are all subject to the horrific driving of others. Being a better driver makes the world a better place! Less flippings of the bird. Less roadside violence. If you have a friend that makes you want to update your will before getting in the car with them, please… Share.
A special note to the people who commit a driving offense and then, for some reason get pissed at you. You suck so much and should be forever banned from the road. But thanks for making me lose a little more of my faith in humanity.